Perpetual Joke Thread

We are in trouble...

The population of this country is 30 million.
16 million are retired.

That leaves 14 million to do the work.
There are 8.5 million in school.

Which leaves 5.5 million to do the work.
Of this there are 4 million employed by the federal government.

Leaving 1.5 million to do the work.
200,000 are in the armed forces

Which leaves 1.3 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 1,160,000 people who work for province and city Governments.

And that leaves 140,000 to do the work..
At any given time there are 39,800 people in hospitals.

Leaving 100,200 to do the work.

Now, there are 100,198 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.




You and me.


And there you are,


Sitting on your arse,


At your computer, reading jokes.


Nice. Real nice.
 
GHOST SEX

A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raise their hand.

Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

Three students raise their hands.

That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Achmed raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Achmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Achmed replied, "Oh sorry, from way back there I thought you said Goats."
 
So this well known author is giving a long speel about having sex vs being happy. At the end, he stated that he was going to take a poll to prove his point. He asked people to stand if they had sex more than 5x/week, and commented on how happy these people were. Then it went to 2x/wk, 1x/wk, 2x/month, 1x/month, 6x/yr and so on. Finally he asked if there was anyone that had sex only once a year. Way in the back, this little guy jumps up on his chair hollering away that it was him. The speaker asked him to come to the front. When he got there, the speaker asked him how it was possible that he could be so exited and happy about getting it once a year.

TONITE"S THE NITE he hollers with a huge smile.
 
That's funny! My best buddy's Dad was suffering from Alxhiemer's, had been hospitalized for a couple of years and didn't recognize his own son most of the times John went to visit him, but one day (this is true) John was visiting him and the nurse commented on his Dad's beautiful eyes. Without missing a beat John's Dad turned to him, winked, and said "This is the night!" I guess you just never forget about some things eh.
 
So a blonde and a redhead were talking when the redhead mentioned that she recently had sex with a Brazilian. The blonde says 'why you slut you, just how many is that'??
 
True Story

My friend John Friesen was in a firey crash on the Cambie St. Bridge Vanc. back in 1980 ( remember the year this is important to the story ) and was trapped inside the cab of his truck while it burned, he suffered burns to over 80% of his body.
His wife rushed to the Vanc General Burn Unit to see him, when she arrived she promptly lifted the covers and inspect his hammer, breathing a sign of relief and to the nurses horror, she said, "thank God THAT didn't get burnt".

The Story is NOT Over Yet

John was in the Burn Unit for over a year recovering from his burns and on his first outing out he showed up at a local BBQ wearing a burn suit, a pair of flaming shorts and a t-shirt covered in burn holes which read, I Skiied Mount St. Helens.
( now do you remember the year ) funny funny guy, never miss a chance to get people laughing.
 
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Don't hate me for this....

Don't hate me for this one cause it just slipped out at the time. My wifes cousin was a chain smoker who always had a cigarette in her hand. One night she fell asleep in an armchair and woke up on fire and severely burned.We hadn't seen her in awhile and she proudly stated to my wife that she had quit smoking. "When did you quit smoking?" my wife asked. "Right after the fire department got there" I said.....:eek:
 
Blonde Jokes

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another
blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

________________________________________________________________

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

_________________________________________________________________

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.. It was her turn. She rolled the dice
and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and
someone calls your name, can you hear it?'
She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'
 
While visting Canada on a trip from India, Mahatma spotted a Church Revival Tent in the Park. Upon entering the back of the Revival Tent, Mahatma found the place filled with an exhuberant crowd of Christian Revivalists singing and praising the Lord. Mahatma found a seat at the back just as the Pastor took the Pulpit.

Within minutes of the Pastor's opening words, the sermon began lifting Mahatma's spirit up which caught him totally by surprise, he was overcome with a feeling deep down within that he couldn't explain. What a wonderful feeling he thought to himself. And as the sermon continue to build, the Pastor's voice became more more intoxicating and the jubilating crowd became a flood of joy within him.

Just than the Pastor raised his voice to the ceiling and shouted,
" who amoungst you believes in the Holy Ghost," to which everyone jumped to their feet with raised hands towards the heavens and shouted, " WE DO ".

Mahatma in his excitement found himself jumping to his feet moments later and shouting, ( in a Indian accent ) " Oh yes yes I do, I do "

At which everyone turned and praised Mahatma in song, " Amen brother."

The Pastor then shouting,
" who amoungst you has spoke with the Holy Ghost," and again the crowd jumped to their feet and shouted, "WE HAVE".

Again Mahatma jumped to his feet moments after and with a newly found excitement of rebirth, shouted "Oh yes yes, me too, me too."

Everyone turned again towards Mahatma and praised him, " Amen brother ".

From the tent top came the loud words once again,
" who amoungst you has been with the Holy Ghost, " again the crowd rose to their feet and with heavenly voices praising Him, shouted, "ALL OF US LORD".

Mahatma late again at responding, jump up and shouted, Oh yes yes, me too, me too.

Again everyone turned towards Mahatma and praised him, " Amen brother ".

The Pastor than with a subdued voiced said aloud, " who amoungst you has made love to the Holy Ghost." Not a soul moved from their seats.

From the back a voice shouted, "Oh yes yes, I have, I have".

The crowd all gasped with horror as the Pastor shouted, " you sir, come forward."

Mahatma slowly rose and nervously moved toward the front of the tent.

Once on the pulpit the Pastor asked Mahatma, " you have made love to the Holy Ghost, what manner of basphomey is this ?"

"Oh," Mahatma said, " Ghost, I'm terribly sorry, I thought you said Goat."
 
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A man & woman meet at a resort, and quickly decide to get married. Each one saying that they will get to find out about the other as time goes by.
They are sunning by the pool when he gets up, goes up the high board, and performs a couple of very difficult dives, and then lays back on the lounge. 'that was fantastic' she says, 'are you a perfessional diver'? He states that he was on the Canadian diving team for the summer olympics. A while later, she gets up, dives into the pool and swims several laps at a fantastic speed, gets out and lays back on the lounge. 'WOW, I have never seen anyone swim that fast in my life', he states, 'were you an olympic champ in the pool'?? 'No, I was a hooker in Saskatoon, and worked both sides of the river'.
 
Deer Camp

Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Rocky's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Rocky's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rocky sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

"Dang man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'" I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.

And then she said, "Do what ever you want."

So, Here I am
 
Divorce vs. Murder

DIVORCE VS. MURDER

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide.


The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"


The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."


The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law? I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"


The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
Husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife...
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
 
There was these to old ladys in a old folks home,and with the new smoking bylaws they had to smoke out side.The one time they went outside for a smoke she was raining.1st old woman says How are going to have smoke in the rain?

The 1st old lady pulls out a condom,cuts offthe end slid her over smoke and carryed on.

The 2nd lady replies:That is a good idea.Where to I get one of those?

The 1st old lady replies:Just go down to the drug store and ask for a box of condoms.

Away she went to the drug store and asks the clerk for a box of condoms.

The clerk replies:What size are you looking for?Small Medium or large?

The lady says : I don't Know? Just along she fits my camel
 
Stress

Talk about Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder! I recently came back from a tour of duty in Afghanistan.

Having not seen my wife for several months, I was looking forward to a night of hot passionate sex with her.

Unfortunately she came out of the shower with a towel wrapped round her head, so I shot her.
 
Arab student sends an e-mail to his Dad saying:

Dear Dad,

Toronto is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am bit embarrassed to arrive at my college in my Gold Mercedes, when all my teachers travel by train.

Your son Nasser



Sometime later Nasser gets reply to his e-mail from his Dad:

Loving son,

Twenty Million Dollars transferred to your account, please stop embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too.

Your Dad
 
Anudder sask one

A Saskatchewan guy went out duck hunting in the fall and a gust of wind blew, his gun fell over and discharged shooting him in his private parts.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.
"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."

"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."

"Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a
plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly," answered the doctor.
"She's a flute player in the Regina Symphony Orchestra. . She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye.
 
A short love story...

A man and a woman who had never met before,
But who were both married to other people,
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping
room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over
sharing a room, they were both very tired and
fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth
and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke
the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you,
but would you be willing to reach into the closet
to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied "Just for tonight,
let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!", he exclaimed.
"'Good", she replied "Get your own damn blanket."

After a moment of silence,
he farted.


The End
 
06-29-10 09:22 AM - Post#1937888

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a state police officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies — two in the front seat and three in the back — eyes wide and pale as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand. I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit?" she asks. "No sir, I was doing the speed limit — exactly 22 miles per hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that "22" is the route number and not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask: is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't made a single peep this whole time."

"Oh, they'll be OK in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 119."
 
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