Perpetual Joke Thread

A young native boy asks his grandpa.
" Grandpa when we are born, how do we get our names ? "
The grandfather replys, " when a young child is born, the parents of the new born child will name the child after the first thing they see, if it is a young maiden they might call her 'running deer', 'singing bird', 'hopping rabbit'.
If the child is a young buck they may name the child, 'wild pony', 'growling bear' or 'soaring eagle'.
Why do you ask 'two dogs screwing'.
 
Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.
Guy behind the counter says , 'Male or female?'
Customer says , 'Female.'
Counter guy asks , 'Black or white?
Customer says , 'White.'
Counter guy asks , 'Christian or Muslim?'
Customer says , 'What the heck does religion have to do with it?'

Counter guy says , 'The Muslim one blows itself up.'
 
In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name, Tylenol is Acetaminophen, Advil is Ibuprofen, and so on.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced today that they have settled on Mycoxafloppin.
 
Beard-1.jpg


Check out the picture (nothing unusual).

Now read this:

In Sweden it is a bit of a custom for the groom to be kidnapped and whisked off somewhere for his stag night, which usually lasts all day and all night- rather than the typical British stag night where you all arrange it beforehand, go out, get drunk and hire a stripper.

The Swedes do it different. The groom has no idea until he gets nabbed. He might be dressed up in something crazy... and go do something funny...and then the fun starts!

This particular guy is a keen sailor. And when he was kidnapped for his stag night they pasted a false "skippers-beard" on him and put him at the helm of a 60-foot yacht and let him be skipper for the day.

Much beer and fine food was consumed. But nothing nasty happened to him at all...
In the evening when, they got back on land and were getting cleaned up for the nightclub, they all had a sauna as is customary in Sweden.

Imagine the groom’s horror when he walked into the sauna where his naked buddies were waiting for him and then to notice that best mate number one had no pubic hair ...

neither did friend two ...
nor three ...
or four...

Now check out the false beard again...........
 
A young nun goes to the mother superior complaining about the bad language being used by the workers in the yard. The mother states that these people just call a spade a spade. "I can understand that, but do they have to call it a f&%#*n shovel??
 
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... Barefoot... BOTH ways. yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it! But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!
And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!

Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!

There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car.. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig?

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!

There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOD !!! Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!

There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-finks!

And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!

And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside... you were doing chores!

And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were luckily, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place!

See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or any time before!
 
Techhead said:
But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!
And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!
Click to expand...

Oh you younguns 1/2 my age, you don't have any idea how good YOU had it compared to when I was a kid. :D
 
the coupe

A few days ago I was cleaning up my coupe and thinking about all the fun I had last year. All the nice folks I meet but I also thought about the few idiots I meet. I wondered how this year will go? One idiot that I will never forget was when I pulled in for gas. He was a young man about 40 driving a black BMW. He had custom made cowbow boots on. I thought that was a bit od in a BMW ? He walked over to me and said, how much do you want for it? I told him there is no fore sale sign and it's not for sale. He says , everything has a price !. I says , no it don't and I can prove it? I pause while he ponders then he bites and says, how can you prove it? I say very easy, how much do would you charge for a BJ ? He gets mad and gets in my face ! I say, hold on son , I just was making a point is all ? You don't charge for a BJ and my coupe ain't for sale proving not everything has a price? He called me a name then left. The man at the next pump was laughing his head off because he got it. I did not say the kid would not do a BJ I said he did not charge for it !
 
A Mafia Godfather learns that his bookkeeper has embezzled ten million dollars. The bookkeeper is deaf.

That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything that he'd ever have to testify about in court. So when the Godfather interrogates the bookkeeper about the missing $10 million, he brings along an attorney who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper, "Where's the 10 million you embezzled from me?"

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million is hidden.
The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says, "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"


The bookkeeper signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!”

The Godfather asks the attorney, "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."




Don't ya just love lawyers?
 
What's the difference between a dead skunk and a dead lawyer on the road??

There's skid marks in front of the skunk.


When a lawyer dies, why do they bury them down 10' instead of 6'??

Cuz way down deep, they're good guys. ;)
 
What happens to a Canada Post Letter Carrier if he / she is an
Insomnic,
Agnostic,
Dislectic.
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
They lie awake every night wondering if there really is a DOG. :D
 
the jokes on me ?

As many of you know I go for prostate surgery April 16 / 10 at Kamloops. For now I have a cathater and bag straped to my leg ? Yesterday I drive to the mail box. When I got out of my truck it was hard to walk ? something pulling ?I could not drop my pants at the mail box to see that was going on so I went home. They have a sticky patch on my leg and the sticky patch has a plastic clip everything is supported by the clip. The plastic clip broke, the bag was full and everything dropped to my boot? All the stuff was hanging from my man parts and pulling hard? I sat at home until Linda got home from work to fix me up? I guess you could say I was hung for the day? Being able to laugh at yourself is one of the secrets to life I guess? Regards AL C
 
bullet said:
What happens to a Canada Post Letter Carrier if he / she is an
Insomnic,
Agnostic,
Dislectic.
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
They lie awake every night wondering if there really is a DOG. :D
Click to expand...

And when they quit church they sold their soul to SANTA
 
Regards AL C said:
As many of you know I go for prostate surgery April 16 / 10 at Kamloops. For now I have a cathater and bag straped to my leg ? Yesterday I drive to the mail box. When I got out of my truck it was hard to walk ? something pulling ?I could not drop my pants at the mail box to see that was going on so I went home. They have a sticky patch on my leg and the sticky patch has a plastic clip everything is supported by the clip. The plastic clip broke, the bag was full and everything dropped to my boot? All the stuff was hanging from my man parts and pulling hard? I sat at home until Linda got home from work to fix me up? I guess you could say I was hung for the day? Being able to laugh at yourself is one of the secrets to life I guess? Regards AL C
Click to expand...

You just "HANG" in there Al! It will get better for you.

Bgbkwndo.
 
Bakari is a house boy who, every day, drinks his boss’ wine and puts water in the bottle to replace what he drank. But the boss having suspicions about the quality of the wine, decides to buy pastis (a French wine that changes colour if you add water).

Bakari as usual, takes a mouthful and then adds water to replace what he drank. However, soon after he added water the pastis became milky.

When the boss came back and noticed it, he was sure he had managed to nail Bakari as a thief!!! At that same moment Bakari realized he was in trouble and decided to go into the kitchen.

The boss says to his wife “Mary – I’ve got him now”.

He shouted: “Bakari!”

Bakari answered: “Yes, boss”

Boss: “Who drank my pastis?”

No answer.

The Boss reiterated his question: “Who drank my wine?”

Still; no answer.

Then the boss went to fetch Bakari from the kitchen and says to him: “You insane or what? Why when I call you, you say ‘yes boss' but when I ask you a question you don't answer me?”

Bakari retorted “Boss, when you are in the kitchen you don't hear anything at all except the name.

Then to prove that Bakari lies, the boss says to him: “You stay beside my wife here and I’ll go in the kitchen. Then you ask me a question”.

Bakari accepted and the Boss went in the kitchen.

Bakari shouted: “Boss”.

He answered: “Yes, Bakari”.

Bakari continued: “Who goes in the maid’s bedroom when your wife is not here?”.

No answer.

Bakari shouted again: “Boss, who got the maid pregnant?”

No answer.

Bakari shouted again (third time): “Boss, who got the maid pregnant?”

The boss returns from the kitchen running and says, “Bakari; you’re right - when you’re in the kitchen you can only the hear name!”
 
Tiger Woods and the Pope have the poor misfortune of dying on the same day.
By some strange mistake the Pope gets sent to hell while Tiger ends up in Heaven.
The Pope goes to see the devil and explains his situation and the devil checks his paperwork and agrees that a mistake was made.
He makes arrangements for the Pope and Tiger to switch places.
On his way to Heaven the Pope meets Tiger on the way down and stops to talk to him.

He asks Tiger what its like in Heaven and Tiger says that it is beautiful and the weather is always great so he could play golf every day and meet all kinds of great people .

The Pope is ecstatic and tells Tiger that he can't wait to get there and maybe meet his idol , the Virgin Mary.

Tiger , with a grin on his gace tells the Pope ," Sorry Pope but you're a day late!!
 
DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on 94.7 OZ -FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate
Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have.


DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if
you win. What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"


Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sara."

DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (l aughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."
>
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."
>
> DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said
> that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this
morning?"

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us
for a couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh..."

Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred
times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's
work number and call her up. You listen to this."

[ 3 minutes of commercials follow. ]

DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?"

Touchtones.....ringing....)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with 94.7 OZ-FM. We are live on the air right
now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to
give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules
of 'Mate Match'?"

Sarah: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be
completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If
your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to
the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "All right. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect
his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question
away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Well..."

DJ: "Come on, Sarah.....where did you have it?

Sarah: "Up the arse....."

After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break."

And the drivers of NFLD almost crashed their cars laughing!

P.S. : The contestants won the trip!
 
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