Perpetual Joke Thread
- Thread starter 58chev
- Start date
67frbd
Member
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons
Him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and
I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay.
Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can
Bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass
Eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that
I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he
Takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered
And lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned,
Is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt,
So he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants,
But although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a Huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head inHis hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
I keep telling you! Don't
Mess with Old People!!
Him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and
I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay.
Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can
Bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass
Eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that
I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he
Takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered
And lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned,
Is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt,
So he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants,
But although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a Huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head inHis hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
I keep telling you! Don't
Mess with Old People!!
More of a visual chuckle
Redneck pulse wiper!
Grocery Getter?
American Import to OZ!!!
Far eastern Woody Wagon?
Hope you at least crack a smurk!
Bash
Redneck pulse wiper!
Grocery Getter?
American Import to OZ!!!
Far eastern Woody Wagon?
Hope you at least crack a smurk!
Bash
Last edited:
negative people
This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. Remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less, tries to make your life miserable.
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip
to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there?
It's crowded and dirty... You're crazy to go to Rome ...
So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser... "That's a terrible airline.
Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place.
Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant."
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.
They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican , a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh really, what'd he say?"
He said: "Who the f_ck did your hair?"
This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. Remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less, tries to make your life miserable.
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip
to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there?
It's crowded and dirty... You're crazy to go to Rome ...
So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser... "That's a terrible airline.
Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place.
Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant."
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.
They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican , a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh really, what'd he say?"
He said: "Who the f_ck did your hair?"
Three hillbillies
Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.
1st Hillbilly says: "My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. "
2nd Hillbilly says: "Why is that stupid?"
1st Hillbilly says: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"
2nd Hillbilly says: "That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of
them new fangled warshin ' machines!"
1st Hillbilly says: "Why is that so stupid?"
2nd Hillbilly says: "'Cause we ain't got no plummin'!"
3rd Hillbilly says: "That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer
wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer
some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar."
1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: "Well, what's so dumb about that?"
3rd Hillbilly says: "She ain't got no pecker.
Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.
1st Hillbilly says: "My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. "
2nd Hillbilly says: "Why is that stupid?"
1st Hillbilly says: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"
2nd Hillbilly says: "That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of
them new fangled warshin ' machines!"
1st Hillbilly says: "Why is that so stupid?"
2nd Hillbilly says: "'Cause we ain't got no plummin'!"
3rd Hillbilly says: "That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer
wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer
some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar."
1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: "Well, what's so dumb about that?"
3rd Hillbilly says: "She ain't got no pecker.
Rochie
Well-Known Member
A newfie named eric is driving homeafter downing a few at the local pub.
He turns the corner and sees a tree inthe middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid it. He realizes there's another directly in his path!
He discovers his drive home is causing
him to veer from side to side to avoid all
the trees.
Moments later he hears a police siren
and stops his car.
The officer approaches his car and asks him what on earth is he doing.
Eric starts to tell the story of the trees on the road.
The officer stops him in mid sentence and says...
Fer chrise sakes,eric,
that's yer air freshener !
He turns the corner and sees a tree inthe middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid it. He realizes there's another directly in his path!
He discovers his drive home is causing
him to veer from side to side to avoid all
the trees.
Moments later he hears a police siren
and stops his car.
The officer approaches his car and asks him what on earth is he doing.
Eric starts to tell the story of the trees on the road.
The officer stops him in mid sentence and says...
Fer chrise sakes,eric,
that's yer air freshener !
52 things you'd love to say out loud at work!!!!!
52 things you'd love to say out loud at work!!!!!
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh* t.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. Ahhhh. I see the f ***-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a sh* t.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any resemblance between your reality and mine are purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your cry-baby whiny-arsed opinion would be?
24. Do I look like a f****** people person to you?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were aiming for, you missed.
31. Oh I get it. Like humour, but different.........
32. An office is just a mental institute without the padded walls.
33. Can I swap this job for what's behind door .........1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume (or aftershave). Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; it turns out I just needed the money.
39. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being more intelligent.
40. Wait a minute - I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
41. Aren't you a black hole of need.
42. I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in?
43. Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?
44. Why don't you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.
45. If you have something to say raise your hand..........then place it over your mouth.
46. I'm too busy, can I ignore you some other time?
47. Don't let your mind wander, its too small to be let out on its own.
48. Have a nice day, somewhere else.
49. You're not yourself today, I noticed the improvement straight away..
50. You are as pretty as a picture, I'd really like to hang you.
51. Don't believe everything you think.
52. Do you hear that? That's the sound of no-one caring
52 things you'd love to say out loud at work!!!!!
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh* t.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. Ahhhh. I see the f ***-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a sh* t.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any resemblance between your reality and mine are purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your cry-baby whiny-arsed opinion would be?
24. Do I look like a f****** people person to you?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were aiming for, you missed.
31. Oh I get it. Like humour, but different.........
32. An office is just a mental institute without the padded walls.
33. Can I swap this job for what's behind door .........1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume (or aftershave). Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; it turns out I just needed the money.
39. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being more intelligent.
40. Wait a minute - I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
41. Aren't you a black hole of need.
42. I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in?
43. Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?
44. Why don't you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.
45. If you have something to say raise your hand..........then place it over your mouth.
46. I'm too busy, can I ignore you some other time?
47. Don't let your mind wander, its too small to be let out on its own.
48. Have a nice day, somewhere else.
49. You're not yourself today, I noticed the improvement straight away..
50. You are as pretty as a picture, I'd really like to hang you.
51. Don't believe everything you think.
52. Do you hear that? That's the sound of no-one caring
Doctors Visit.
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned 60.)
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?' He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or martinis?'
'Oh no,' I replied.. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said.
He looked at me and said,... 'Then, why do you even care?
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned 60.)
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?' He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or martinis?'
'Oh no,' I replied.. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said.
He looked at me and said,... 'Then, why do you even care?
Atomsplitter
Active Member
*Subject:* Nymphomaniacs Convention
>
> *A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he
> glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
> He soon
> realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have
> it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a
> conversation he blurted out, "business trip or pleasure?"
>
> She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual
> Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
>
> He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen
> sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
> Struggling to
> maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at
> this convention?"
>
> "Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from
> my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about
> sexuality."
> "Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
>
> "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African- American men
> are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native
> AmericanIndian who is most likely to possess that trait.
>
> Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, w hen
> actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.
>
> I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina
> is the Southern Redneck."
>
> Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.
> "I'm sorry,"
> she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I
> don't even know your name."
>
> "Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein , but my friends call me
> Bubba".*
>
> *A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he
> glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
> He soon
> realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have
> it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a
> conversation he blurted out, "business trip or pleasure?"
>
> She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual
> Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
>
> He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen
> sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
> Struggling to
> maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at
> this convention?"
>
> "Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from
> my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about
> sexuality."
> "Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
>
> "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African- American men
> are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native
> AmericanIndian who is most likely to possess that trait.
>
> Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, w hen
> actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.
>
> I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina
> is the Southern Redneck."
>
> Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.
> "I'm sorry,"
> she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I
> don't even know your name."
>
> "Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein , but my friends call me
> Bubba".*
Two little boys
are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each
other outside the operating
room .
The first kid
leans over and
asks, 'What are you In here
for?'
The second kid says, 'I'm in here
to get my tonsils out and I'm a little
nervous.'
The first kid says, 'You've got
nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four.
They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give
you lots of Jello and ice cream
. It's a
breeze.
'The second kid then asks, 'What
are you here
For?'
The first kid says, 'A
circumcision.'
'Whoa!' the second kid replies.
'Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born.
Couldn't walk for a
year.'
are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each
other outside the operating
room .
The first kid
leans over and
asks, 'What are you In here
for?'
The second kid says, 'I'm in here
to get my tonsils out and I'm a little
nervous.'
The first kid says, 'You've got
nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four.
They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give
you lots of Jello and ice cream
. It's a
breeze.
'The second kid then asks, 'What
are you here
For?'
The first kid says, 'A
circumcision.'
'Whoa!' the second kid replies.
'Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born.
Couldn't walk for a
year.'
testicles black
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose.. A young student nurse appears to
give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are
my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and
heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her
embarrassment and pulls back the covers..
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very closely: Are - my - test - results - back?"
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose.. A young student nurse appears to
give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are
my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and
heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her
embarrassment and pulls back the covers..
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very closely: Are - my - test - results - back?"
While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6.
He thought about it for some time then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.
He thought about it for some time then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.
bullet
Well-Known Member
A Saskatchewan man is drinking in a Fort MacMurray bar when he gets a call on his cellphone.
He orders drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Saskatchewan baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Saskatchewan man just shrugs, "That's about average folks...like I said - my boy's a typical Saskatchewan baby boy."
Two weeks later the Saskatchewan man returns to the bar.
The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Saskatchewan baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. ....so how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born."
The Saskatchewan father takes a slow swig from his LaBatts beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve,
leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."
He orders drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Saskatchewan baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Saskatchewan man just shrugs, "That's about average folks...like I said - my boy's a typical Saskatchewan baby boy."
Two weeks later the Saskatchewan man returns to the bar.
The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Saskatchewan baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. ....so how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born."
The Saskatchewan father takes a slow swig from his LaBatts beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve,
leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."
Two Newfoundlanders,Eddy and Eli, were adrift in a lifeboat. While rumaging through the boats provisions, Eddy stumbled across an old lamp. He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth. This genie, however, stated that he could grant but one wish, not the standard three.
Eddy immediately blurted out, "Turn the entire ocean into Molson Canadian beer."
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned to beer, and the genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Eli looked disgustedly at Eddy whose wish had been granted, and after a long tension filled moment Eli said, "Nice going Eddy!.....now we have to pee in the boat!
Eddy immediately blurted out, "Turn the entire ocean into Molson Canadian beer."
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned to beer, and the genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Eli looked disgustedly at Eddy whose wish had been granted, and after a long tension filled moment Eli said, "Nice going Eddy!.....now we have to pee in the boat!
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest in line behind her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course, child. What may I do for you?" he replies.
"Well", she said, "I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday. It is unopened and well over the Customs limits... I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, Dear," the priest replied, "but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," the woman said.
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The customs agent asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare," replied the good Father.
The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor, Father?"
Came the honest reply, "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"
"Of course, child. What may I do for you?" he replies.
"Well", she said, "I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday. It is unopened and well over the Customs limits... I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, Dear," the priest replied, "but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," the woman said.
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The customs agent asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare," replied the good Father.
The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor, Father?"
Came the honest reply, "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"