Perpetual Joke Thread

"TANJOOBERRYMUTTS"


By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS'

I am sure I have spoken to this person, or at least his brother


The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service in a hotel ...

Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service. "

Room Service: " Rye . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"

Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."

Room Service: "Ow ulai den?"

Guest: ".....What?? "

Room Service: "Ow ulai den?!?... Pryed, boyud , pochd?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry..Scrambled, please."

Room Service: "Ow ulai dee bayken? Creepse?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service: "Hokay. Ansahn toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "An toes. ulaisahn toes?"

Guest: "I.... Don't think so.."

RoomService: "No?Udo wan sahn toes???"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'udo wan sahn toes'
means."

RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...WhyUoo donwan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we botter?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin! !! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RoomService: "We botter?"

Guest: "No, just put the botter on the side."

RoomService: "Wad?!?"

Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."

RoomService: "Copy?"

Guest: "Excuse me?"

RoomService: "Copy...tea. . meel?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything."

RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken, Anglish moppin, we botter on sigh and copy ... Rye ??"

Guest: "Whatever you say."

RoomService: "Tanjooberrymutts. "

Guest: "You're welcome"


Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS'
......and you do, don't you?!!!
 
That's funny.

Reminded me of the time I had ants and wanted to know if I had sugar ants or protein ants so I would buy the right bait to kill them with, so I called Green Cross.

Of course I got the automated recording and not a real person.
I then sat through the French version of the message and waited patiently for the English version to come on.

It started like this.

"Herrow, for servish in Angrish prease presh awone."

That's as far as I got, I hung up laughing and got my wife to call the number to hear the same recording. You'd figure they would at least found someone that could speak English when they recorded a voice.
 
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Old Chinese Proverb

Confucius say,
"If you are in a book store and cannot find
the book for which you search, you are obviously in the......

Bookstore.jpg
 
JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program..

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous,
athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign
around her neck..

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing,
he finally gives up..

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.


He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning,
beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.. She is wearing nothing but
Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you
can have me'.

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he
does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens
with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he
has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company
to order the 7-day/50 pound program


'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone... 'This is our most rigorous program.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular
guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck
that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'





He lost 63 pounds that week.
 
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Oklahoma.


With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting, 'I've heard enough of your stupid ass blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor! "


The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, 'You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee!"
 
Smart Boy and Dumb Principal

A Lady Teacher was having trouble with one of her students in 1st Grade class. Madam asked,'Boy. What is your problem?'

Boy answered, 'I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 4th Grade!'

Madam took the Boy to the principal's office. While the Boy waited in the outer office, madam explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Madam he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his Questions he had to go back to the first-grade. Madam agreed.

The Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Boy.: '9'.

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Boy.: '36'.

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 4th grade should know. The principal looks at Madam and tells her, 'I think Boy can go to the 4th grade.'

Madam says to the principal, 'I have some of my own questions'.

'Can I ask him ?' The principal and Boy both agreed.

Madam asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of'?
Boy, after a moment 'Legs.'

Madam: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

Boy.: 'Pockets.'

Madam: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, Delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

Boy.: Coconut

Madam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy was taking charge.

Boy.: Bubblegum

Madam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer..

Boy.: Shake hands

Madam: You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.

Boy.: Tent

Madam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.
The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg.

Boy.: Wedding Ring

Madam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.

Boy.: Nose

Madam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

Boy.: Arrow

Madam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?

Boy.: Fire truck

Madam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u don't get it, u have to use ur hand.

Boy.: Fork

Madam: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the Pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?

Boy.: SURNAME.

Madam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, likes pumping, and is responsible for making love ?

Boy.: HEART.

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,

'Send this Boy to 10th Grade'

I got the last ten questions wrong myself......
 
A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home, he asks the cabbie if he would be a witness.
The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabbie agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabbie tiptoe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man! The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.



The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.
HE paid for our new Mercedes Benz convertible.
HE paid for your Oilers's season tickets.
HE paid for your Eskimos' season tickets.
HE paid for our lake front house at Sylvan Lake .
HE paid for our cottages in Kelowna and Canmore.
HE paid for our speed boat.
HE paid for your country club membership and HE even pays for your monthly dues!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabbie and says, 'What would you do?'
The cabbie replies, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches a cold.'
 
Rochie, you made my day. The world turns nasty sometimes and then you see something like this.:)
 
Photo on the Nightstand

After a long night of making love the guy notices a photo of another man on the woman's nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry. 'Is this your husband?'he nervously asks.
'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him. 'Your boyfriend, then?'he continues. 'No, not at all,'she says, nibbling away at his ear. 'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires, hoping to be reassured. 'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' she answers.
'Well, who in the hell is he, then?' he demands. She whispers in his ear 'That's me before the surgery.'
 
At the end of the tax year, Revenue Canada office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the auditor was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company, and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to Revenue Canada, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
 
prostate

I went in for another prostate exam ? The doctor said he was going to send me for more tests? I said , I want a second opinion so he used two fingers? Regards AL C
 
A Scottish Soldier in full dress uniform marches into a chemists (what we call a drugstore).

Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom. The condom has a number of patches on it. The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.

"How much to repair it?" the Scot asks the chemist.

"Six pence," says the chemist.

"How much for a new one?"

"Ten pence," says the chemist.

The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.

A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout.

The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.

"The regiment has taken a vote," he says.

"We'll have a new one."
 
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.

She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see
her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work.' The daughter-in-law
answered.

' But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.

'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained.

'Love dress? But you're naked!'

'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she explained.

'Every time he sees me in this
dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.'

The mother-in-law left.. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on
her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay
on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so
provocatively.

' What are you doing?' he asked..

'This is my love dress,' she whispered,
sensually.

'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?'
 
The Hotel Bill, or...don't mess with seniors!!


My wife and I are traveling by car from Victoria to Prince George. After almost eleven hours on the road we were too tired to continue and decide to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk hands us a bill for $350.00.

I explode and demand to know why the charge is so high. I tell the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00. Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. I insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use. "But we didn't use them.'' Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager.

He goes on to explain we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. 'We have the best entertainers from New York, Hollywood, and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.

'But we didn't go to any of those shows'. 'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, I reply, 'But we didn't use it!'

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay.

I write a cheque and give it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. 'But sir, this cheque is only made out for $50.00. ''That's correct, as I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife.'

'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.

'Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have.'
 
Let me see if i got this right..*

If you cross the North Korean border illegally you get 12 years hard labor.

If you cross the Iranian border illegally you are detained indefinitely.

If you cross the Afghan border illegally, you get shot.

If you cross the Saudi Arabian border illegally you will be jailed.

If you cross the Chinese border illegally you may never be heard from again.

If you cross the Venezuelan border illegally you will be branded a spy and your fate will be sealed.

If you cross the Cuban border illegally you will be thrown into political prison to rot.

If you cross the Canadian border illegally you get:

* a job,
* a drivers license,
* welfare,
* food stamps,
* subsidized rent,
* free education,
* free health care,
* billions of dollars worth of public documents printed in your language,
* the right to carry your country's flag while you protest that you're being discriminated against.

OK I think I got it now.
I just wanted to make sure i had a firm grasp on the facts.

I guess it's NOT that funny. :(
 
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A hooded robber burst into a Texas Bank and forced the tellers to load a
sack full of cash.

On his way out the door a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and
pulled it off revealing the robber's face.

The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking
straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.

Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in
silence.

The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"

There were a few moments of utter silence, in which everyone was plainly
afraid to speak. ....

Then a henpecked old man tentatively raised his hand and said,

"My wife got a good look at you."
 
A Saskatchewan farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor's, and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door
"Is your Dad home?"
"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."
"Well, is your Mother here?"
"No sir, she went to town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you?" the boy asked. I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'
The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
 
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