Perpetual Joke Thread

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58chev

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:D :D Grandpa Gets Audited :D :D

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment,
Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and says , 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand,
with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk,
and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's
no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily,
he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit,
he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

Don't Mess with Old People!!
 
quiet aft here, will throw one out there................

How I learned to mind my own business

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,
And all the patients were outside shouting, '13....13....13.'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a Little gap in the planks,
so I looked through to see What was going on.....

Somebody poked me in the eye with a stick!




Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...
 
:D :D [yt]<object width="660" height="405"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/Vq8wbXAR4ZQ&hl=en_US&fs=1&border=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/Vq8wbXAR4ZQ&hl=en_US&fs=1&border=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="660" height="405"></embed></object>[/yt]
 
To-day's GROANER!

Did you hear about the Buddhist who went to the dentist, and refused to take Novocain?

He wanted to "transcend dental medication".
 
I'll toss one in here,



Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?' Mabel answered, 'I have a suppository in my ear?' She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, 'Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.'
 
A man is out when his friend stops by his house. His wife tells the friend her hubby isn't home. The friend says to the wife "You're a beautiful woman, and i will give you $200 if you show me your boobs, and i wont tell your husband." So she does it and gets $200. Satisfied, he leaves. A few hours later. the husband comes home. The wife tells him his friend stopped by, and the husband asks, "Did he drop off the $200 he owes me?":D
 
Englische spoken here

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f".. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.
 
The Irish Ballerina

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit.



As she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.
But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed
' Give the ballerina a drink!'

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.
She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them,
revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar
and said, 'Give the ballerina another drink!'

The bartender approached the drunk and said 'Tell me, Sully, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?'

The drunk replied, 'Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!
 
A fellow walks up to the bar and orders a drink. When he looks over at the man sitting next to him, he notices that he has a great physique but a wee tiny head. After a while he can't stand it, he asks the guy why his head is so small. Well, he says, I was walking down the beach one day when I came across an old lamp, so I picked it up and rubbed the sand off of it, lo and behold a Genie pops out and she is gorgeous. She says she will grant me 3 wishes, so I says I'd like to have 10 million bucks, and "poof" It's in the bank. Then I said Id like to have a great physique and "poof" my body is great. Then for my last wish I said I'd like to make love to her and she said that is not possible, so then I said "ok, how about a little head".

Carl
 
Wooden Leg Insurance

(I always did find the Newfoundland logic far superior to most others!)

A man and his wife moved back home to Newfoundland, from Toronto.

The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Ontario was $2000.00 a year!

When they arrived in Newfoundland, they went to an Insurance agency to see
how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.

The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '$39.00.'

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Newfoundland
to insure, because it cost him $2000.00 in Ontario!

The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it
is on the screen, it says: *Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it,
is $39.00.*
 
When Love Fades...

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's' voice from the kitchen.

"What would you like for dinner my Love? Chicken, beef or lamb?"

I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."

She replied "You're having soup, asshole. I was talking to the cat.
 
Speaking of TOOLS.


Man & wife team on a noisey construction site.

Wife on the gound looks up to see her husband on the scaffolding high above signaling for her to get something.

Because the site is too noisy too hear each other, they decided ahead of time to use hand signals to communicate.

So the wife watches as the husband points to one of his eyes and then his knee and then shakes his fist.

She in response nods her head YES and points at one of her eyes, grabs her left breast and then grabs her crotch.

The husband, looking confused, shakes his head NO and proceeds to give her the same signals as before.

The wife nods YES, and she also gives the same signals as before.

The signaling goes back and forth several times when all of a sudden the frustrated husband steps off the scaffolding onto the floor above and disappears.

Several minutes pass and he appears from a basement door and walks over to his wife.

What the hell, he says, can't you figure out what I'm trying to say.

I, he points at his eye, NEED, points at his knee and shakes his fist, a HAMMER, " he says.

The wife says, yeah I know, and I was signalling back,

I, she points at her eye, LEFT IT, garbs her left tit and then her crotch, IN THE BOX."


Grooooaaaaaaner ............................
 
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Old man and his not as old wife go to the doctor for his annual check up. The poor old guy left his hearing aids out again so now the wife has to yell in his ear everything the doctor has to say. After some preliminary pokes and prods the doctor says "well everthing seems fine so far, but just to be on the safe side I'm going to need some samples. I'll need a urine, semen and stool sample"
The old guy looks at his wife and mumbles "wud he say?"
She says "he wants your underware"...
 
Little Tony was 7 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.

He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her,

'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'


She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sex, darling.'

Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't called sex. It's called Bunk Beds.

And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.'
 
A Father and his young son were walking down the street and they come apon 2 dogs going at her and the son asks, what are they doing dad?
Father replies,They are making puppies.
Later that day the son walks in the bedroom while mom and dad are going at her,The son asks, Dad what are you doing?
The father replies,I'm making you a little sister or little brother
The Little boys says,Ah turn her over daddy I'd rather have a puppy.:D:D.
 
A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to
the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the
apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a
conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that
she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said,
"Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and
leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best
feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to
be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at
these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.
How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered.... "Outside, when you said
you heard someone coming.... that was me."
 
I had a bad morning taking my son to school when this drug crazed lunitic woman started yelling and honking that I never let her in:confused: I don't know where she even came from but she had cut across two lanes trying to turn left but me and about 10 cars ahead are stopped waiting for the lite:eek: so my remidy is to check out the funnys here on cr and have a coffee to settle my nerves.I'm ok now but I thought maybe some of you would like to my son's favorite "never give up clip" lol. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VcSBO8YAnTQ have a great day everyone. and don't forget to turn up the sound!!!!:D
Randy
 
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