Perpetual Joke Thread

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat.
As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his: Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out. "Business trip or pleasure?
"She turned, smiled and said. "Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked. “What’s your Business at this convention?"
“Lecturer." She responded. "I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
“Really?” He said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well.” She explained. “One popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. "I’m Sorry." She said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name."
"Tonto." The man said. "Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba."
 
click to enlarge
 

Attachments

  • 6f1860e7-18e7-4049-b98e-afcdf51fbef9.jpeg
    6f1860e7-18e7-4049-b98e-afcdf51fbef9.jpeg
    43.4 KB · Views: 60
click to enlarge

should be able to get this all together by 2054.
 

Attachments

  • preview.jpeg
    preview.jpeg
    82.9 KB · Views: 77
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'
The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.'
Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.
 
Last edited:
(maybe a repeat)
DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER:
Moved to North Dakota this fall. We heard that summers are fun and winter is beautiful. We think there is no more beautiful a place in the whole world!
December 8 - 6:00 PM It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic, we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9 - We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had! Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.
This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!
December 12 - The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry- we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14 - Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15 - 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16 - Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17 - Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God! I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20 - Electricity's back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all day. The damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but. they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22 - Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob-who has a plow on his truck-for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.
December 23 - Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago. She says she did but I think she's lying.
December 24 - 6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling, and then he comes down the street...at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents...but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.
December 25 - Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight - snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to feed her through a chipper shredder.
December 26 - Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27 - Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $4,400 to replace all my pipes.
December 28 - Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!
December 29 - 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30 - Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only for the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.
December 31 - I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 8 - Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed ???
-Author Unknown
 

Attachments

  • May be an image of snowplow, ski slope and road.jpeg
    May be an image of snowplow, ski slope and road.jpeg
    41.2 KB · Views: 34
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.
He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural.
She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out.
Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Sometime later she heard her husband wake with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood-curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes!
After years of torture, she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.
He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.”
“What do you mean?” asked his wife.
“Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in…….............…..”
 

Attachments

  • preview.jpeg
    preview.jpeg
    129.1 KB · Views: 45
click to enlarge
 

Attachments

  • May be a doodle of text that says 'GIBBLEGUTS.COM ©DAN GIBSON By Dan Gibson Gibbleguts Presen...jpeg
    May be a doodle of text that says 'GIBBLEGUTS.COM ©DAN GIBSON By Dan Gibson Gibbleguts Presen...jpeg
    154.5 KB · Views: 59
I had to call the police yesterday, and this is how the conversation went:

ME: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!
OFFICER: Age?
ME: Uhh, 60? Maybe 61. No wait, I think 62. My memory is not so good these days so I don't know exactly. I'll just say early to mid 60's.
OFFICER: Height?
ME: I'm not sure, but I think about 5' 3".
OFFICER: Weight?
ME: Oh Geez, I never ask about her weight, it's a sensitive topic. But I'd guess a chunky 164!
OFFICER: Chunky!? You probably shouldn't guess. What's the color of her eyes?
ME: Kinda brownish?
OFFICER: Yes, what's her hair color?
ME: It's sorta dark. I'll say brown.
OFFICER: What was she wearing?
ME: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
OFFICER: What kind of car did she go in?
ME: It's a 1962 Ford Falcon coupe named Hazel. Her build date was February 16th of that year, so she'll be turning 60 next month. She has deep Ming Green paint, which is Ford paint code M1451, and it really pops in the sunlight. She looks stock, but she's a sleeper car. She's powered by a 302ci/340hp Ford Racing Crate small block engine M-6007-X302 that puts out 340 hp @ 5,500 RPM, and has 350 of torque @ 4,200 RPM with a 9.0:1 nominal compression ratio. The engine has forged Mahle pistons 4.030” and forged steel connecting rods, new aluminum Ford Racing "X" cylinder heads, M-6049-X306 with 1.94" Weiand Street Warrior polished intake valves and 1.54" exhaust valves, a production 4-bolt crankshaft damper M-6316-M50, and a new hydraulic roller camshaft M-6250-E303, .498" lift intake and exhaust, duration at .050" is 220 degrees intake and exhaust. It has a 650cfm Holley Ultra double pumper carb, Billet aluminum serpentine belt setup, as well as Roller Rocker Arms with a 1.60:1 ratio, double roller timing chain set, and a new oil pump and dual sump oil pan M-6674-A50. She also has an AOD with Stage 1 rebuilt transmission from Transmission Depot, and a Lokar floor shifter. And she has power rack and pinion steering, power disc brakes with drilled and slotted rotors, and an anti-sway bar. At this point, I started choking up.
OFFICER: Sir, try to calm down. I guarantee we'll find Hazel.
ME: My wife's name is Ruth.
OFFICER: Oh, okay. We'll try to find her too.
 
click to enlarge
 

Attachments

  • May be an image of 1 person and text that says 'The downstairs neighbor just installed a stri...jpeg
    May be an image of 1 person and text that says 'The downstairs neighbor just installed a stri...jpeg
    43.2 KB · Views: 62
click to enalrge

Best served with collard greens and taters
 

Attachments

  • May be an image of ‎text that says '‎مه 3Gal 6:59 CREAMED POSSUM with Garnished in Sweet Pota...jpeg
    May be an image of ‎text that says '‎مه 3Gal 6:59 CREAMED POSSUM with Garnished in Sweet Pota...jpeg
    84.6 KB · Views: 34
AN OLD WOMAN WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST.
AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER.
THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, "HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"
THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO,... I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."
A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.
THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR -- NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF --STARTED HOPPING AROUND.
EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING.
WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.
THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.
THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR, AND THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.
THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY.
THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING.
THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.
THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ASS?"
THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO M'AM... BUT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO.

Morale of the story:
Don't mess with old women; they didn't get old by being stupid.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top Bottom