Oz Humor

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Here's one for the Ozzy blokes.

A very nice innocent woman, wants to get married, but she is only
willing to marry a man if he has never had sex with woman.
After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out
a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his
entire life in the Australian Outback and has had no experience with
women. She is very happy with him, and feels that they are perfect
for each other, so they end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare herself for what surely will be a memorable evening. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room naked, and all the furniture from the room is piled in one corner.
"Whats happened?" she asks.
He answers, "I've never been with a woman before, but if you're anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get."
 
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There's no arguing with cowboy logic.
Here's another good one.

----------------------

The Sierra Club and the US
Forrest Service were presenting an alternative
to Wyoming ranchers for controlling
the coyote population.

It seems that after years of the ranchers using the
tried and true methods of shooting and/or
trapping the predators, the tree-huggers had a
"more humane" solution.

What they proposed was for the animals to be captured
alive, the males castrated and let loose again and the
population would be controlled.

This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep
Grower's Association by the Sierra Club and the USFS. All of the
ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.

Finally, an old cowboy in the back stood up, tipped his hat
back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand the problem.

Those coyotes ain't f%*#@+ our sheep - they're eatin' 'em."
 
A chinese man phoned into work sick and says me no work today i feel terrible. The boss replies I really need you today.Just do what I do.Have sex with my wife and you will feel better in no time.The chinese man phones back and says,Hey you right I feel alot better.............by way you have nice house.
 
Subject: Rules To Dating A Bikers Daughter
Body: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package,
because you're sure not picking anything up.

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long
as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes
or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear
their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips.
Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are
complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue,
so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear
showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In
order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the
course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and
fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a
"barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes
to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports,
politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only
information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have
my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on
this subject is "early."

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date
other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter.
Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to
date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I
will make you cry.

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and
more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time
for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her
makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge.
Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like
changing the oil in my bike?

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
Places where there is darkness.
Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to
wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a
sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat.
Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies
which features chain saws are okay.
Football games are okay.
Old folks homes are better.

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged,
dimwitted old biker. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the
all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are
going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole
truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres
behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound
of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy
outside of Chu Lai. When my Agent Orange or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
(PTSD) starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean
the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull
into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight.
Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have
brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car. There is
no need for you to come inside.
 
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